This Thanksgiving Day

I was going to post a Facebook status, but decided to elaborate on it a little more, so here goes.

Today is a day to give thanks. Thanks for all of the blessings in your life. The daily grind makes it way too easy to lose sight of what is important. Too often, our blessings are allowed to become less important, as trivial things, like our jobs, or our cell phones, become more important.

Or else, for someone like myself, it is too easy to lose yourself in what you've lost in life. As deep as those losses have cut, as big a hole as they may have left in your life, you should never lose sight of your blessings. I was chatting with a new friend one night, one who didn't know the full extent of my story, and when I was done, she thanked me. I couldn't figure out why, but she explained it this way. She said she had been so lost in the loss of her husband, that she had lost sight of what was still here. She was counting her losses, when she should have been counting her blessings.

No matter what is going on in your life, there is someone out there who has it worse. Whatever is going on, it's not the end of the world. A clean sink is not as important as that little face looking up at you, pleading for a story before bed. You may have lost someone close, but don't forget the people who are still here.  Please don't let your true blessings go without thanks, for you never know when they are going to disappear. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

This Holiday Season

This is a repost of something I wrote last year, but it means alot to me, so I am posting it again this year.

On December 12, 2009, a young boy and his father were out doing some holiday shopping. For a few weeks now, the boy had seen the Salvation Army’s red buckets outside every store he went into, and he loved to drop change into them. Today, however, he was curious. “Daddy, why do we put money into the red buckets?” he asked. His father replied, “Because some people have a hard time at the holidays. Sometimes they need some extra help,” to which the boy responded, “Help with what?” His father answered “Well, you know how we have a nice big dinner at Grandma and Grandpa’s? Some people don’t have enough food to be able to do that.” The little boy sat a moment and then said, very urgently, “Daddy, we need to go home. Right now! We need to get my bank!” at this point, his eyes welled up with tears, and he continued, “I have to make sure everyone has a good holiday. I need them to have my money.”

The people in this story are Joshua and Charles Buckland.

This holiday season, I ask one thing of you – help a stranger. It can be as simple as dropping your pocket-change into a red bucket, or as elaborate as choosing to sponsor a family in need. However you are able to do it please let the kind spirit of Joshua Buckland live on, and make someone’s holiday a little brighter.

Dancing Butterflys ... More than just a blog title.

Something amazing happened to me a few weeks ago.  I was at the cemetery, looking for strength and guidance, something I do often. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I can think clearly when I am sitting by that headstone. I was talking aloud to Charlie, explaining everything that was going on (there was A LOT), and just when I started to cry really hard, something odd happened. I glanced over, and a monarch butterfly was fluttering nearby. It came over, and danced circles in front of me, and then flew away. I immediately smiled, thinking that it was really neat a butterfly would appear just when I was upset.  Maybe I had better take a minute and explain my thing with butterflies. 

I became obsessed with them when I decided to decorate Emma’s room in purple butterflies. It continued on, since EVERYTHING for baby girls has a butterfly on it. And then, after the fire, I decided to put one on the headstone to memorialize them.  For some reason, I felt some kind of connection to them, and a friend of mine who lives out of state, found something, and mailed it to me. It was a monarch butterfly window cling. And on it, it said “Courage”. She said she thought of me, not only because of the butterfly, but she got chills when she saw it was a symbol of courage. And since then, I’ve collected various things, including seat covers for my car. Everything is butterflies for me. So, for this butterfly to appear to me when I was feeling so rotten, was pretty special. 

Back to my story. So, as this butterfly danced away, I had an incredible feeling overcome me. I don’t know how else to describe it, other than a warm hug. I felt the presence of Charlie and the kids SO strongly just then that it was almost overwhelming. And my mind was suddenly clearer, too. It was like I knew what I needed to do in my life to be happier. Through the next few days, I made a few major decisions, and it seemed, when I was unsure of whether or not I was doing the right thing, a monarch would appear, and dance three circles in front of me, and then leave.  I knew, just KNEW this was Charlie talking to me, guiding me along my way. 

I came home from an amazing weekend at a friend’s house, where I had seen yet another monarch butterfly, and decided I needed to look up some monarchy courage-y quotes for a Facebook status. What I found instead threw me for a loop. It was this.  I was so amazed to read that what I had already concluded was something that was REAL. This wasn’t me being crazy, or overly hopeful that my husband was speaking to me from beyond. The monarch butterfly was my Power Animal. I was completely floored, and was thrown for yet another loop, when I scrolled further down, and saw that even the color of the butterfly that I was seeing meant something. And that the “something” was so in tune with what was happening to me. And it’s not like I read this website, and went looking for signs. I got the signs, made some realizations, and THEN found the website. Incredible. 

I was told by someone last year, that if you ask for a sign from a loved one, that you will receive one. It will always be the same sign every time, whether it’s a penny on the floor, or a butterfly fluttering by, and that you don’t get to pick it. But you will just KNOW when it happens. Well, I was always too afraid to ask for a sign. What if I missed it? What if one never came? So many “what ifs” went through my head, and I shied away from asking. Well … I don’t suppose a sign could get any plainer, could it??? 

I sat back on the couch, never actually finding a status quote, and thought awhile. I thought about my butterfly experiences from the last few weeks, about what was going on in my life, and about everything I had just read online. And once I was done thinking everything through, once again, an incredible feeling went through my body. It was like something was being lifted up through my body. Afterward, I felt …..free. I realized that I was letting my grief go. I had been able to sit on the beach and play with my friend’s daughter without feeling one depressed or bitter feeling about it not being Josh. Once I realized this, I started recalling other memories of Charlie and the kids. And do you know what happened? I smiled. Actually smiled. I was able to remember them with happiness in my heart, instead of that raw, throbbing ache that was there all too often. Now, I’m not saying I don’t miss them. I do. I always will. But, Charlie helped me to see that it was time to let go of the grief, of the bitterness, and start living my life again. It was like I was suddenly awake, and I never even realized I was “sleeping”.  It’s an incredible feeling to know that my husband is still helping me, even from such a huge distance. I am truly blessed. 

Because it was too long for a Facebook status...

I was watching a rerun of Criminal Minds tonight, an episode called "JJ". It was the last episode that fan-favorite Agent Jeroue appeared in. She was being forced out of her job, and gave a moving speech at the end.

When I first heard it, I immediately wanted to post it as a Facebook status. However, it was too long, so I thought I would blog it. The part in bold is what struck me the deepest. I think it’s an amazing outlook to have on life, and I wish more people looked at life this way.  

"I'm thankful for my years spent with this family. 

For everything we shared, every chance we had together.

I’ll take the best of them with me, and lead by their example wherever I go.

A friend told me to be honest with you, so here goes

This isn’t what I want, but I’ll take the high road.

Maybe it’s because I look at everything as a lesson,

Or because I don’t want to walk around angry.

Or maybe it’s because I finally understand that

There are things that we don’t want to happen, but have to accept.

Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn.

And people we don’t want to live without, but have to let go”

                                                ~Jennifer Jeroue, Criminal Minds

           

I suppose I should clear something up...

Okay, hindsight is always 20/20, right? I suppose I should have made this my first blog, so that people kinda knew what to expect when they got here.

At first glance, a good many of my beginning blogs are going to be somewhat sad. I have two things I would like to say about this -
1. They're not all going to be like that. I am just laying some groundwork for getting to where I'm at now :)
2. I am hoping that, while sad, someone can draw something useful from  them. If I can help ONE person see that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel that is grief, then I consider myself successful.

I just didn't want anyone thinking that every time they visited, they were only ever going to find doom and gloom. You're not. I promise.What is it they say? The best is yet to come .....

I Am a Widow

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a widow is defined as “a woman who has lost her husband by death and usually has not remarried.”  I am a widow. My husband, Charlie, died December 15, 2009 when our house caught fire in the middle of the night. My children, Joshua and Emma, ages 4 and 8 months, also died that night. There is no word for that, no neat little label to be assigned when a parent loses a child. And why should there be? Children are supposed to outlive their parents, it’s the natural progression of life. I have plenty to say on that subject, but back to being a widow.

I am a widow. What does this really mean? It’s not as simple as Merriam-Webster would have you believe. There are so many layers, so many emotions involved in being a widow. Emotions that no one but another widow can ever fully understand. Being a widow does not simply mean that your spouse has died. It means you have lost your soul mate.  Your other half. The one you intended to grow old with, the one you had (or planned to have) children with. It doesn’t matter whether you were married 60 minutes or 60 years, the pain is still the same. The gaping  hole that is now in your life is still the same. Being a widow means going to sleep at night in a cold, empty bed. The bed where you once laughed, loved, and made plans for the future. Being a widow means that your children no longer have a father.  Being a widow means being lonelier than you ever thought possible. The list goes on and on, this is only a fraction of what a widow goes through.  

                Before the fire, I was a wife and a mother. After the fire, I was no one. I was no longer a wife, no longer a mother. These are the two things that had defined me during my entire adulthood. I knew nothing else. So, there I was, after the fire, utterly lost. I didn’t even recognize the face in the mirror. I was a widow. Widow….I have always hated that word. It sounds so terrible, so negative. And for good reason, I suppose. It is not something that is typically associated with a 27 year old woman. Most of the widows I had encountered through the years were consumed by their husbands death. They were weighed down by their grief, and knew no happiness, knew no way out of the dark hole they had fallen into. This prospect scared me to death. I refused to let this happen to me. Yes, I missed my husband with every fiber of my being. Yes, I was miserable without him. However, my husband was so full of life, and lived every minute to its fullest, that I knew I had to pull myself out of the mire that was widowhood.

This scared me. But, I knew that I had to move forward, in order to honor my husband. I felt I would be disgracing his memory(and those of my children) if I were to let being a widow consume me. I needed to be more than a widow.  I had no idea who I was, who I wanted to be, or who I was even capable of being. I also had no idea how to go about figuring any of this out.  It was a long and difficult journey, one that I am still not finished with, and I doubt I ever will be. But with the help of my amazing friends and wonderful family, who have offered so much support and love in the last two years, I am slowly finding myself. It is possible.

I am more than a widow.  It is a part of who I am, not who I am. I am also a daughter, a sister, a cousin, and a niece. I am a florist, a photographer, a candle maker, and a student. I am a friend, a lover, and a fighter. I am a survivor. Being a widow has helped to shape me into who I am today, but I will not let it rule me. I will continue to grow and discover more of myself. One day I hope to be able to add “wife” and “mother” back to that list. I have taken control of my life, of my grief, and it has made me a better person. A stronger person.