Dancing Butterflys ... More than just a blog title.

Something amazing happened to me a few weeks ago.  I was at the cemetery, looking for strength and guidance, something I do often. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I can think clearly when I am sitting by that headstone. I was talking aloud to Charlie, explaining everything that was going on (there was A LOT), and just when I started to cry really hard, something odd happened. I glanced over, and a monarch butterfly was fluttering nearby. It came over, and danced circles in front of me, and then flew away. I immediately smiled, thinking that it was really neat a butterfly would appear just when I was upset.  Maybe I had better take a minute and explain my thing with butterflies. 

I became obsessed with them when I decided to decorate Emma’s room in purple butterflies. It continued on, since EVERYTHING for baby girls has a butterfly on it. And then, after the fire, I decided to put one on the headstone to memorialize them.  For some reason, I felt some kind of connection to them, and a friend of mine who lives out of state, found something, and mailed it to me. It was a monarch butterfly window cling. And on it, it said “Courage”. She said she thought of me, not only because of the butterfly, but she got chills when she saw it was a symbol of courage. And since then, I’ve collected various things, including seat covers for my car. Everything is butterflies for me. So, for this butterfly to appear to me when I was feeling so rotten, was pretty special. 

Back to my story. So, as this butterfly danced away, I had an incredible feeling overcome me. I don’t know how else to describe it, other than a warm hug. I felt the presence of Charlie and the kids SO strongly just then that it was almost overwhelming. And my mind was suddenly clearer, too. It was like I knew what I needed to do in my life to be happier. Through the next few days, I made a few major decisions, and it seemed, when I was unsure of whether or not I was doing the right thing, a monarch would appear, and dance three circles in front of me, and then leave.  I knew, just KNEW this was Charlie talking to me, guiding me along my way. 

I came home from an amazing weekend at a friend’s house, where I had seen yet another monarch butterfly, and decided I needed to look up some monarchy courage-y quotes for a Facebook status. What I found instead threw me for a loop. It was this.  I was so amazed to read that what I had already concluded was something that was REAL. This wasn’t me being crazy, or overly hopeful that my husband was speaking to me from beyond. The monarch butterfly was my Power Animal. I was completely floored, and was thrown for yet another loop, when I scrolled further down, and saw that even the color of the butterfly that I was seeing meant something. And that the “something” was so in tune with what was happening to me. And it’s not like I read this website, and went looking for signs. I got the signs, made some realizations, and THEN found the website. Incredible. 

I was told by someone last year, that if you ask for a sign from a loved one, that you will receive one. It will always be the same sign every time, whether it’s a penny on the floor, or a butterfly fluttering by, and that you don’t get to pick it. But you will just KNOW when it happens. Well, I was always too afraid to ask for a sign. What if I missed it? What if one never came? So many “what ifs” went through my head, and I shied away from asking. Well … I don’t suppose a sign could get any plainer, could it??? 

I sat back on the couch, never actually finding a status quote, and thought awhile. I thought about my butterfly experiences from the last few weeks, about what was going on in my life, and about everything I had just read online. And once I was done thinking everything through, once again, an incredible feeling went through my body. It was like something was being lifted up through my body. Afterward, I felt …..free. I realized that I was letting my grief go. I had been able to sit on the beach and play with my friend’s daughter without feeling one depressed or bitter feeling about it not being Josh. Once I realized this, I started recalling other memories of Charlie and the kids. And do you know what happened? I smiled. Actually smiled. I was able to remember them with happiness in my heart, instead of that raw, throbbing ache that was there all too often. Now, I’m not saying I don’t miss them. I do. I always will. But, Charlie helped me to see that it was time to let go of the grief, of the bitterness, and start living my life again. It was like I was suddenly awake, and I never even realized I was “sleeping”.  It’s an incredible feeling to know that my husband is still helping me, even from such a huge distance. I am truly blessed.